Rev. Ronald E. Halvorsen
April 30, 2006
Psalm 32, Matthew 5: 38-48
“The Joy of Letting Go”

I would like to begin today’s sermon with a story about my friend David. Now David is not his real name, but I use it because he often describes his life in Dickensonian terms, like that of David Copperfield. David was born into a Jewish family in New York City and at a very young age was being groomed to be a rabbi and was given the honor of preaching in the synagogue at the age of fourteen. His childhood, however, had a very dark side because his parents were physically and emotionally abusive. In fact, David says he was “raised by wolves.” David went on to graduate from college with high honors and eventually earned his PhD in clinical psychology. He married a remarkable Juilliard graduate, settled into a lucrative professional career in New Canaan, and raised his family of five beautiful and talented children. In 1995, I sponsored him for baptism into the Christian faith and he was accepted to Yale Divinity School to pursue ordained ministry. For a while, it seemed that his troubled upbringing was behind him.

Then David’s life began to change. Financial and emotional problems mounted. He was rejected for ordained ministry after graduating with a Master of Divinity degree from Yale Divinity School. Within a few years, he was divorced, in financial ruin, suffering from drug and alcohol abuse, and literally living on the streets of New London, CT. His five children, now in their teens and twenties, have rejected him and he has not seen them in five years. Four months ago, he nearly died from hepatitis B and liver failure.

David and I did not communicate with each other for seven years; however, two months ago, we reconnected in New Haven through a mutual friend. We have subsequently spent many hours talking about his life and his need for healing, in its many forms. In the past few months, David’s physical, emotional, and spiritual healing began when he made the decision to let go of some of the profound hurt in his life, particularly from his father. He is beginning to model the process of forgiveness to hopefully end generations of disfunctionality in his family.

Now, it has been said “forgiveness is the hardest chord to play in the human concerto.” This morning’s sermon is about dealing with life’s major hurts and addressing what forgiveness is and what it is not. For today’s purposes, I am not talking about life’s minor violations like forgetting a birthday or being edged out of a parking space in Old Greenwich that you felt entitled to. Rather, I will address wrongs that “tear into our soul” and their effects become lodged in our psyches for extended periods of time. This sermon is a prelude to a “Forgiveness Series” we will offer this fall in our adult education program. During this series, we will examine the Biblical imperatives concerning forgiveness, analyze the costs of not forgiving to our physical, emotional, and spiritual health, and learn the “art of forgiveness,” or putting major hurts in our lives behind us.

As we know, we all have been, or will be, unjustly harmed by another person in ways we cannot hope to reverse. Like David, we may have been physically or mentally abused as children, former loving relationships may have degenerated into hatred and betrayal, business partners may have cheated us, or trusted friends may have taken advantage of our weaknesses. We find that God has given each of us the amazing gift of memory, but also maybe the curse of not being able to let go of our memories. Our ability to remember becomes our inability to forgive. And in many cases, the person who hurt us may no longer be in our lives, or may no longer be living. Yet, the pain and anger continue to burn within us as though the offense happened yesterday, and as a minister I talk to many who surrender their tomorrows to the unfair pain inflicted on them in the past. They continue to be victims.

So, the questions of the day are: “What is forgiveness, how have we been conditioned to understand forgiveness, and why is it so difficult?” Now, the Bible is very clear on the subject of forgiveness. In fact, forgiveness is key to the whole Christian message. In our gospel lesson this morning from the fifth chapter of the book of Matthew, Jesus tells us to resist vengeance, which is the opposite of forgiveness, by not seeking “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” He advises us, “Do not resist one who is evil” and “turn the other cheek.” He then leaves us with a very difficult alternative to confrontation: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Jesus also says that we “must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” A lofty goal, indeed! In addition, in the sixth chapter of Matthew following the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus says, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Mt 6:14-15). Now the stakes become even higher! According to the Bible, if we DON’T forgive, WE will not be forgiven by God! Christians, it seems, are required to forgive quickly and completely thus escalating the pressure on us; the bar is, indeed, set very high. We know that the call to forgive is central to our religious training, but often we can’t seem to do it. We carry our painful past and can’t let it go!

The Apostle Paul later opines on the subject of forgiveness in many of his epistles. In the fourth chapter of Ephesians he writes, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). Yes, the message of the Bible is strong and clear: we, as Christians, are expected as Mark writes, “to forgive, if you have anything against any one; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). It is evident, I believe, that most of us struggling children of God need some help in meeting these Biblical imperatives about forgiveness and we need to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not.

So, let’s look at some of the work now being done on forgiveness in the medical and religious communities. Forgiveness is, indeed, a loaded word. It is the opposite of vengeance and is defined as “letting go,” or “putting behind us,” the pain another has caused us-the pain that often swells in our spirits long after the original injury. However, it is important to understand that forgiveness is for one’s own benefit and not, necessarily, for the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is a journey within the heart and soul of the wounded person regardless of what the offender does or does not do, whether they apologize or not. It may, in fact, eventually benefit the offender and there may be reconciliation, but this should not necessarily be our goal. Reconciliation may, in fact, be impractical or impossible. Therefore, forgiveness is entered into freely and without obligation and takes our future happiness out of the hands of someone who made us miserable. It is a decision WE can make like the decision to love someone who may not be too loveable or when we may not feel too loving. Thus, the primary reason to forgive, or let go, is that it heals us; what happens to the offender is up to them. We need to understand that it takes one to forgive and heal, but it takes two to reconcile and restore a relationship.

Now, I know that this sounds self-centered and may, on its surface, seem like it goes against the Christian teachings I discussed earlier. But, without a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not, it is impossible for us to release our hurt and at least open the possibility for God’s healing and possible reconciliation. So, forgiveness begins with honesty. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the pain, being obligated to reenter a relationship with the offender, or giving up legitimate claims for justice. It does mean that we make a conscious effort, with God’s help, to end the “poisoning of our soul” caused by the hurtful actions of others. And in this process, I believe God’s Spirit helps us to become unshackled from our painful pasts and we begin to open our heart and imitate God’s forgiveness of us. Real Christian forgiving, however, is a journey and does take time, maybe even years. But, eventually, we begin to create a new fairness out of past unfairness. The downside is also evident: if we don’t learn to forgive, our initial pain is perpetuated, and our lives become defined by this pain, which “settles in and takes over the best room in our souls.” In many ways we become the pain, and it is “as hard to extract from our souls as a tablespoon of ink from a glass of water.”

So, how might we learn the joy of letting go? To begin with, I think it starts with a dose of reality. We need to remember that all humankind is a mixture of saint and sinner. We all harm each other, help each other, and heal each other. Thus, learning to forgive begins with recognizing our collective humanity. It begins with, hopefully, a view of the offender as a somewhat flawed child of God. But, this does NOT mean that we must tolerate abusive and hurtful behavior, forget what happened, surrender our right for justice, or invite someone to continue to abuse us. However, it also does not mean that we should bury all the humanity of the offender. My friend, David, now realizes that his abusive father was an imperfect child of God, who suffered from parental abuse himself. But, he was also a medical doctor who touched and healed thousands of lives, he encouraged David in his studies and instilled in him a deep love of music, he provided for him, and occasionally sat with him and read from the Hebrew Bible. David’s final memory of his father was reciting in unison with him the Lord’s Prayer before he died. As part of his recent healing, David is learning not to bury the humanity of his father. In a similar way, hopefully his children will make the decision not to bury his humanity. So, forgiveness begins by recognizing our collective humanity.

Secondly, we need to make the decision to let go for our own health and well being. It is said that we can “draw and quarter our enemies a thousand times in our minds but ultimately the only one who suffers is us.” Forgiveness is the only way to stop the grinding wheel of unfairness on us, and decide that we don’t want to hurt anymore. As Jesus taught, an “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” is a self-defeating strategy. In fact, letting go always opens the future to better possibilities, which can liberate us from self-destruction and be the key to self-improvement. New paths can and will be created out of old ruts when we accept that God gives us the power to choose to forgive-to choose to put hurt behind us. Forgiveness IS a sacred journey, which happens, with God’s help, inside a heart that hurts

The final stage in forgiveness, in addition to realizing our collective humanness, and exercising self care, involves a softening of the heart. To forgive, we need to release our feelings of hatred and anger and wish our offenders well as they journey on in life with or without us. And we know when our hearts begin to soften when less of life’s injustices “stick” to us and our lives become more tolerant and peace filled. In our tradition, we call this the peace of Christ.

On the night before Easter two weeks ago, I witnessed David’s baptism into the Roman Catholic faith at St. Michael’s Church in New Haven. He describes, in a profound way, how Christ has entered, and literally saved, his life. It would be nice to say that members of his family shared in this sacred event, but none responded to his written invitations. He did, however, get a beautiful letter from his fifteen-year-old daughter. She wrote, “I am writing to tell you that I don’t want to shut you out of my life and would like to build a relationship with you; but, I have a lot of resentment toward you, which is hard to erase. I realize that forgiveness takes time. Christ has taught me, however, that it is necessary to be able to forgive, however, this can’t happen overnight. As I get older, I am realizing how important it is to forgive, or at least try to be honest. I just want you to know that you are in the depths of my mind and I have not erased you.” She closed her letter by saying, “I do believe that God is going to reunite our family someday.”

So, God’s grace begins to weave its way into a hurting family. Inter-generational pain need not be perpetuated. The sacred journey of forgiveness-the joy of letting go-begins in this family with a father’s healing and a daughter’s wisdom. Thanks be to God. Amen.